(SCENE: Your computer monitor. On the screen, MOONCALF waves, beaming. She's got a number of soft floppy things under one arm, but you can't tell what they are. She's trying to do something with them, but she's just not very coordinated. After struggling with them for a moment, she drops them all. *WHOMF*WHOMF*WHOMF*. She growls and swears, then stoops, disappearing off your monitor. After a moment, she reappears. She's wearing something colorful on her left hand, and is pulling something else onto her right hand. After a moment, she holds both hands up beside her head. What the? She's got a VIKTOR handpuppet on one hand, and a CITAN handpuppet on the other hand.)

MOONCALF: Okay, so, there's been a lot of fuss about soulbonds lately.

(The VIKTOR handpuppet nods its little head, in what might be agreement, or a seizure.)

MOONCALF: A few months ago, I discussed this topic, although I wimped out on a number of points...

(The CITAN handpuppet holds up a little sign that says MUSES AND SOULBONDS AND ENTITIES, OH MY.)

MOONCALF: ... and I mentioned that, instead of soulbondage, I practice something known as soulpuppetry.

(Both puppets wave their stubby little right hands.)

MOONCALF: So, what did I mean by that? Simple. Characters that I like DO talk in my head. But it's clear that I'm the one making them do the talking.

(MOONCALF dips one hand down offscreen. When it comes back up, it's just her hand. The CITAN puppet is missing. MOONCALF points at the VIKTOR puppet.)

MOONCALF: See this? This is Viktor. Viktor is from the Suikoden games, and he's one of my biggest obsessions.

(The VIKTOR puppet waves again.)

MOONCALF: And late at night, when I'm trying to sleep, Viktor DOES talk in my head, a lot. But I'm telling him what to say. Right, Viktor?

(The VIKTOR puppet nods frantically, thrashing its little hands.)

MOONCALF: You see, here's the main difference. Look at Viktor. Look at him closely. What do you notice?

(The VIKTOR puppet dips its head, staring at itself.)

MOONCALF: That's right. I have my hand up his ass.

(The VIKTOR puppet clutches at its oversized head with its tiny little hands. Meanwhile, MOONCALF dips her hand down below the screen again, and comes up with  a FLIK puppet.)

MOONCALF: So. If I want Viktor here to fall in love with Flik, he'll do it. Because I have my hand up his ass.

(MOONCALF mashes the puppets together. They put their little stubby arms around each other and writhe.)

MOONCALF: See?

(MOONCALF pulls the two puppets apart and dips her hand down again, coming up with a VALERIA puppet.)

MOONCALF: And if I want Viktor here to fall in love with Valeria, he'll do it.

(MOONCALF mashes the puppets together again. Writhe, writhe.)

MOONCALF: See?

(The hand goes down again. After a moment, it comes back up, with... a MUKUMUKU puppet.)

MOONCALF: Hell, if I want him to fall in love with a flying squirrel, he'll do it.

(MOONCALF mashes the puppets together. Writhe, writhe.)

MOONCALF: Why? Because I have my hand up his ass, that's why.

(MOONCALF puts both hands down. After a moment, they come back up. One is wearing the CITAN puppet, and one is wearing an ASHLEY RIOT puppet.)

MOONCALF: If I want something to happen, if I want it to happen even a little, well...

(MOONCALF mashes those puppets together. The ASHLEY puppet puts its little arms around the CITAN puppet's waist. The CITAN puppet awkwardly pats the ASHLEY puppet's hair. The little ASHLEY puppet's head begins to bob forward and back suggestively.)

MOONCALF: ... then it'll happen. If only in my diseased little brain. Because no matter how much I like these characters, they are not alive, not even in my mind. They are just puppets, with my hand up their ass, and they'll say what I want them to.

(MOONCALF puts both hands down. In a moment, they come back up. She's wearing the VIKTOR puppet again, and her other hand is bare.)

MOONCALF: Watch. (to the puppet) Viktor, do you love me?

VIKTOR PUPPET: I love you, Mooncalf!

MOONCALF: Are you wearing women's panties?

VIKTOR PUPPET: Yes I am!

MOONCALF: Do you want to have messy sex with Flik?

VIKTOR PUPPET: Oooh yes!

MOONCALF: Do you enjoy having my hand up your ass?

VIKTOR PUPPET: Eee!

(MOONCALF turns back to you. The little VIKTOR puppet waves.)

MOONCALF: It's like having a slave, almost. And, quite frankly, it is soulpuppetry that creates interesting fanfic.

VIKTOR PUPPET: I got to cut off Culgan's head! I got to bring Luka Blight back to life!  I got to throw myself off a tall cliff to my death! I got to have sex with pretty much everybody!

MOONCALF: Soulbonds, actual real soulbonds, those also create interesting fanfic. But I'm betting that the overwhelming majority of soulbonds are actually just this... soulpuppets.

(The VIKTOR puppet nods vigorously.)

MOONCALF: Watch this. (to the puppet) Viktor, try and make me say something I normally wouldn't.

(The VIKTOR puppet puts its little round hands to its temples and mimics concentrating really hard. MOONCALF remains silent for a few minutes, until the puppet's hands droop in mimed exasperation.)

MOONCALF: Now try and make me do something. Anything.

(The VIKTOR puppet repeats the procedure. Again, nothing happens.)

MOONCALF: Now, then. Viktor, punch yourself in the head.

(The VIKTOR puppet promptly punches himself in the head. MOONCALF brings up the FLIK puppet again.)

MOONCALF: Viktor, punch Flik in the head.

(The VIKTOR puppet punches the FLIK puppet in the head. The FLIK puppet falls down offscreen. MOONCALF brings up the CITAN puppet.)

MOONCALF: Viktor, punch Citan in the head.

(The VIKTOR puppet punches the CITAN puppet in the head. The CITAN puppet falls down offscreen. MOONCALF brings up a VASH THE STAMPEDE puppet.)

MOONCALF: Viktor, punch Vash in the head.

(The VIKTOR puppet punches the VASH puppet in the head. The VASH puppet falls down offscreen. After a moment, MOONCALF brings up her bare hand again.)

MOONCALF: It's all one way, you see. I make them do things, they don't make me do things. That's why I don't have soulbonds. I just have these cute little puppets.

(The VIKTOR puppet makes little arm-pumping motions.)

MOONCALF: I know soulbonding is very important to a lot of you out there. And more power to you. But Viktor and I are asking you. Please, please take a few moments to consider whether your soulbondage is actually just soulpuppetry.

(The VIKTOR puppet nods.)

MOONCALF: Here's the deal. If you had no way to talk about your soulbonds to anyone, would you still have any? If you didn't have a website or weblog on which you talked about your soulbonds, if you didn't have real life friends to tell about it, would you still have those independent voices in your head?

(The VIKTOR puppet taps its temple.)

MOONCALF: Actually, I don't expect that many people will be able to give me a truly honest answer about that. They'll be defensive, and I can't blame them.

(The VIKTOR puppet punches repeatedly at the air, then hides its head behind its little arms.)

MOONCALF: But do think about it. You really don't need soulbonds to be an interesting person, and pretending to be something you're not just to draw attention to yourself is a self-defeating proposal.

(The VIKTOR puppet punches itself in the head repeatedly and pretends to fall down.)

MOONCALF: I guess what I'm trying to say is: if you have your hand up their ass, it's soulpuppetry. But if they have their hand up YOUR ass, or if the ass-handing is reciprocal... well, okay, maybe it's true soulbonding. Maybe. Or maybe you need psychiatric attention. It could be that, too.

(The VIKTOR puppet turns around and stares down at MOONCALF's ass. MOONCALF promptly brings up the FLIK puppet, which punches the VIKTOR puppet in the head repeatedly.)

MOONCALF: Anyway, I'm not sure that I've said anything of worth here, but I have had a lot of fun. And hey, soulpuppeteers, if you want to, feel free to take the button Viktor's holding and stick it on your website somewhere. Or make your own.

(VIKTOR holds up a small purplish sign:

and waggles it around.)

MOONCALF: I guess I'd just like there to be some other option besides 'soulbonded' and 'not soulbonded' fanfic writers. You don't have to have soulbonds to write excellent fic, and some soulbonders write pretty bad fic. Just... do what you have to.

(The FLIK puppet makes little arm-pumping motions.)

MOONCALF: Even if it involves sticking your hand up someone's ass, or having their hand up your ass in return. Thank you, and good night.

(The VIKTOR and FLIK puppets both wave goodbye. MOONCALF beams.)

(CURTAIN.)

=====
For reference:
MUSES AND SOULBONDS AND ENTITIES, OH MY

Recently, when hanging around with other crazy artist types online, the topic of 'muses' has been coming up with startling frequency. Often in combination with the term 'soulbond'. As far as I can tell by browsing soulbond pages, a 'soulbond' is a character, whether your own or someone else's, that moves into your head bag and baggage, and then exercises his/her occupancy by interacting with you and your other soulbonds.
In other words, it's like having extra people living in your mind (and presumably, in your soul).

Now, I'm not here to debate the validity of soulbondage. (Although I couldn't resist the double entendre.) I, personally, don't have soulbonds; while I can make RPG characters talk in my head without too much trouble, it's always clear to me that it's ME making them do the talking. Like puppets. (Soulpuppetry? Maybe! I AM the Jim Henson of my mind! Where do you think all those parodies come from?)
However, I'm more than willing to accept that soulbondage CAN exist, and if you believe in/ experience soulbonds, more power to you. As long as you don't write me impassioned email to try and convince me that they exist.
But ANYWAY.

A muse, on the other hand, is who/whatever inspires you to draw, write, paint, compose, lyricize, or be creative. Sometimes it's a real person, sometimes a part of yourself, and sometimes, a metaphorical construct. Which is where the soulbonds come in. Some people, apparently, just have characters living in their mind which suggest possible projects, or generate ideas just by interacting with each other. To which I would have to respond, "Whatever works for you!"
Hey, if extra personalities means you create beautiful things for me to look at, I'm all for it. I might even try and shove new soulbonds into your head so that you draw characters that I like. I'm just greedy that way. (Yes, I know it doesn't work that way. But I rather like the mental image of me trying to tape a miniature Citan to some poor artist's head.)

To (finally) get to the point of my post, after listening to these conversations and browsing these websites, I started wondering: do I have a muse?
My first response was 'oh hell no'. After all, I find it very hard to take my artistic efforts seriously, and the idea of having a muse seemed far too serious for someone like me, who spends most of her time making fun of things and the rest of her time making fun of herself.

But after a while, I figured out that, yes, I have two muses, although they're not soulbonds, and they're not really personalities, just parts of me. I am inspired, every day, by my libido and my sense of humor. Hell, if you're feeling sufficiently Freudian, call them my id and my superego. Whatever works for you.
But seriously. When I look over the stuff on my site, it's easy to see that a good seventy or eighty percent of my artistic endeavors are clearly fueled by one or the other. Close to ninety-five percent, in the case of my writing. So I have to conclude that, while they're not separate entities, they ARE my muses. How VERY poetic.

But if my libido ever develops its own personality and starts talking to me, I'm in DEEP trouble. Soulbonded to my own libido... yikes.